I give you a loving send-up of "The Witch of Blackbird Pond" by Elizabeth George Speare. This was one of my favorite books and still is, but I felt like summarizing it in Sarah Rees Brennan Parody form just for funsies. Spoilers!
KIT "SUPER NAIVE" TYLER: What up, Connecticut Colony? Just off the boat from Barbados, it's Katherine Tyler in da HOUSE! Hi, Auntie Never-Met-You-Before!
AUNT RACHEL: Ermagawd, Kit! So great to have you crash with us for...how long?
KIT: Well, see, I kinda had to sell all my dead grandfather's worldly possessions to pay off his debts, and the only thing I salvaged was my entire wardrobe of awesome clothes, aaaaand I kinda need to stay with you for the foreseeable future. But it's fine, I'll crash on the couch and you won't even know I'm here!
UNCLE "BUZZKILL" MATTHEW: Fine, you can stay, but we are Puritans and do not hold with anything FRIVOLOUS.
KIT: Psh, whatever.
JUDITH: Hi, I'm your really hot cousin.
KIT: DAMN YOU FINE. Have an awesome dress!
MERCY: I am a saintly invalid.
KIT: Eh, that merits a pity shawl.
UNCLE "OH HELL NO" MATTHEW: NO ONE IN MY FAMILY SHALL WEAR UNGODLY SWAG, HEATHEN GIRL.
KIT: I can see we're all going to get along just fine.
***
MERCY: I teach school. Wanna teach with me?
KIT: You mean, as opposed to carding wool, spinning, learning to cook and being a constant source of frustration to you all? Sign me up!
MERCY: Great! Just whatever you do, don't start an impromptu drama class.
KIT: Who wants to act out the story of the Good Samaritan, kids?
MERCY: No, please don't--
KIT: Children, no method acting! Stop beating each other up!
DISAPPROVING ELDERS: This will never do! You're fired and your cousin might be the next to go!
KIT: WHY MUST I FAIL AT EVERYTHING?!
HANNAH "WISE WOMAN OF THE SWAMP" TUPPER: Hello, weepy girl. Can I be of ancient sage-y assistance to you?
KIT: Sure! I have no reason not to trust you, except everyone says you're a witch, but what's a little prejudice between two misfits?
HANNAH: Snacks make everything better.
KIT: Your super-snack has given me the strength to confront my problems! Tatty-bye, old woman, I have justice to restore!
MERCY: You got your job back?! How did you find the courage?
KIT: Easy. I accepted food from the social outcast everyone is suspicious of and it made me feel like conquering the world!
AUNT RACHEL: You probably shouldn't do that again. Hannah's persona non grata around here because she's Not Like Us.
KIT: Your prejudice surprises me! She's just a harmless old woman!
RACHEL: We're Puritans, kid, we're suspicious of anyone who doesn't believe as we do and may or may not practice witchcraft.
KIT: Psh. Whatever.
***
WILLIAM "THE HOUSE THAT LOVE BUILT" ASHBY: I like you, Kit. Want to marry me? I'll build you a big house.
KIT: Uh, can't we just be friends first?
WILLIAM: Oh, no, this is serious. I don't erect timber frames for every girl I see.
KIT: Wait a second--marrying you would mean a chance to leave my uncle's home and be a rich woman again. Maybe I can be swayed after all!
***
PRUDENCE "WIDE-EYED WAIF" CRUFF: I think you're cool, Kit. Can you teach me to read?
KIT: Of course, poor neglected child! What say we meet at Hannah Tupper's for our lessons?
PRUDENCE: She's a witch!
KIT: Uh, NO, she's a kindly surrogate grandmother. Trust me!
HANNAH: Have some cake and kittens!
PRUDENCE: Sold.
NAT "COME SAIL AWAY" EATON: So, Kit, how are you liking Puritan Land?
KIT: It's crushing my rebellious spirit more every day, except...
NAT: Yeah?
KIT: Well, there's this rich guy who's building me a mansion if I marry him, and even though I don't exactly feel the same, I think we could make it work.
NAT: I ain't sayin' she's a gold-digger....
KIT: Hey, I do NOT need you judging me! You've never been stripped of all wealth and status and met a hot guy who wants to give all that back to you, and I am totally not changing your opinion of me, am I?
NAT: Nope.
KIT: Psh. Whatever.
***
JOHN "WHEN I THINK ABOUT YOU, I READ A BOOK" HOLBROOK: I'm a pretty decent fellow, despite my slavish devotion to my mentor.
KIT: Yeah, you're one of about six people I can tolerate around here. So, what's up?
JOHN: I love your cousin Mercy and I want to marry her.
KIT: HUZZAH! Oh this makes me so happy--Aw, crap, I forgot that Judith is madly in love with you, too.
JOHN: No problem, I'm sure she'll underst--
JUDITH: John, you have come to propose to me! I accept!
JOHN: Uh, that's not why I'm--
MATTHEW: If my daughter wants you, I give you my blessing!
JOHN: But, but....okay!
MERCY: I am strangely fine with this!
KIT: Wow, you just failed WORSE THAN ME. ME!
WILLIAM: All this marriage talk has put me in the mood for a proposal, too--
KIT: NOT NOW.
WILLIAM: FINE. But just remember, I bought GLASS WINDOWS for you!
***
COLONISTS: Sorry to break up the wedding plans, kids, but there's Indians to fight! We're going to war!
JUDITH: UCH, why does everything always happen to ME?!
KIT: You mean like a deadly flu, or your fiance going off to war?
JUDITH: Well, I guess being seriously ill is a BIT worse.
MERCY: You said it.
KIT: Crap crap CRAP, the town has become one big plague colony! Oh, well, there's no way they can possibly pin this on witchcraft!
TOWNSPEOPLE: Our children have sickened and died! BURN THE WITCH!
KIT: Great, now I have to rescue her!
HANNAH: Can you come back when I'm not in the throes of dementia?
KIT: NO TIME! MOVE IT! You stay here while I flag us down a boat to take you to safety!
NAT: What is it with you and impromptu night swimming?
KIT: Shut up and take this poor woman to safety!
NAT: You know, things might get worse for you after this. Want to come with us?
KIT: I can't! I have sickly relatives to attend to! But don't worry about me, I won't get blamed for the town scapegoat's escape.
TOWNSPEOPLE: BURN THE FRIVOLOUS ONE! SHE HAS CONSORTED WITH A WITCH!
KIT: I am officially tired of being wrong.
***
KIT: Okay, I've been isolated from the rest of the community and I'll probably be found guilty of witchcraft, and that means almost certain death or branding. This is definitely my worst day yet. Well, at least I get a fair trial.
TOWNSPEOPLE: She's an evil enchantress, and she does evil dances, and if you look in her eyes, she will fill you with trances!
KIT: I am fuuuuu---
PRUDENCE: Wait! I can prove that all she did was teach me to read! And I will read from the BIBLE!
TOWNSPEOPLE:....Huh.
JUDGE: Well, that's as good a case as any that she's clearly not under any evil influence. Kit Tyler is innocent, case dismissed!
KIT: Oh thank you God! I love life! I love dreary old Wethersfield! I will never complain again!
**Three Months Later**
KIT: I HATE THIS TOWN. I HATE WINTER. EVERYTHING SUCKS. I WANNA GO HOME TO BARBADOS.
WILLIAM: By the way, I don't know if our unofficial engagement is such a good idea anymore. I mean, what with the whole 'you being falsely accused of witchcraft' ordeal.
KIT: You're right. We're not good together. I can't marry a man I don't love even if he does have lead-paned windows and hardwood floors. Sorry.
WILLIAM: It's cool. Think I can still persuade Judith to give our relationship another try?
JOHN: If my dramatic re-entrance and symbolic proclamation of love for Mercy doesn't do it, nothing will!
KIT: Yay, weddings! And springtime! Maybe it's not so bad around here after all....but still, must make preparations for going back home and becoming a teacher to earn my own way!
NAT: I've come back with an awesome boat of my very own, and that promise to take you away from all of this still stands. Whaddya say?
KIT: It's a good thing I've just realized that I want to be with YOU more than I want to go live on a tropical island, cause I accept! Let's get married!
NAT: That is kind of what I had in mind. Come sail away, come sail away with me!
END
