I've Got Another Puzzle For You: The Real Villains of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"

Ah, Roald Dahl. I like your work. I sometimes find myself over-identifying with your stories about incorrigibly nasty children getting their just desserts (but, I hasten to add, only after a particularly hectic work day.) I've read Matilda, The BFG, James and the Giant Peach, and George's Marvelous Medicine--or as I remember it, the one where the little boy with the world's worst grandmother finally channels his inner psychopath and tries to kill her in the most depraved and torturous way by combining every toxic substance known to man and passing it off as her "medicine."

GEORGE: Have some tonic, Grandma.....It will relax you.

The lesson: You mess with kids, and they will mess back. Sometimes with deadly chemicals.

But do you recall, the most famous Roald Dahl of all? That's right--Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! Even people who've never actually read the book know about this movie. Mention Oompa-Loompas, Veruca, Augustus or Wonka and people know exactly what you're referring to. Sing a song that includes the whimsical phrase "Doompa-dee-doo" and they chime right in. Everyone from the Mike, Bill and Kevin of Rifftrax (otherwise known as the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000) to Doug Walker (aka The Nostalgia Critic) have lovingly and hilariously discussed this book and the two movie versions that it spawned.

This is not a movie blog, so I will be sticking strictly to the original literary version of Charlie in my discussion. Spoilers!

We are all aware of the rather dark tones in this fable about how being kind, patient, poor and starving is bound to pay off in unbelievably wonderful ways if you just....like chocolate enough. Our Dear Boy Charlie Bucket lives a life of quiet suffering, but never complains or resorts to even the most justifiable of misdemeanors (the only exception is when he finds an abandoned coin on the street, and that can't even be called stealing!) The only "selfish" thing he does is buy chocolate with his windfall, and we can't even fault him for that, because he's starving! There's nothing at home but watered-down cabbage soup! And of course, his halo shines all the brighter when he decides to use the last of his money for a candy bar for his favorite grandfather--a good deed that is promptly rewarded with the finding of the last Golden Ticket.

However. There is a selfish side to this Dickensian hero. He may be poor (which covers a myriad of sins  in these cases) and seemingly selfless, but don't let that fool you. This child is driven by a singular ambition--specifically, to one day set foot inside the famous Wonka Factory and see all the wonders therein for himself. And when this wish comes true, he will gladly stand back and watch as every other competitor for the "lifetime supply of chocolate" prize is toppled.

Consider the ways in which Augustus, Veruca and Mike TeeVee meet their tragic ends (or at least, temporary ends, seeing as none of them actually die in the book.) Augustus, the equivalent of the deadly sin of Gluttony, falls into the chocolate river and nary a soul steps forward to save him--not even Charlie. Sure, they all stand around wringing their hands, but no one actively tries to fish him out of there. And once he's disappeared up that pipe, for all they know, he's already dead! Literal Death by Chocolate! But Charlie displays no regret or concern for Augustus, and doesn't even wonder what became of him later on.

Then Veruca, the human embodiment of Avarice, is assaulted by nut-examining squirrels (So. Many. Puns. Must keep going!) and thrown down a garbage chute...that, it is strongly implied, leads to a literal fiery death. Again, Charlie just lets it happen. I understand that none of these children are by any means friendly to him, and they certainly aren't interested in being friends with each other, but Charlie doesn't even gasp in horror when he sees them meet their just desserts! (Another expression that takes on new meaning in this book.) Nope, he just sits back and watches Wonka's Komic Karma happen.

I can't really fault him for doing nothing in the face of Violet Beauregarde's blueberry transmogrification--what could he have done, grabbed the gum out of her mouth? But again, we don't hear about Charlie being at all disturbed at watching a young girl turn into a large blue fruit before his very eyes. Her parents freak the hell out, but he just....stands there. I suppose an argument could be made that watching his peers meet such disturbing fates is so traumatic that he is riveted by horror, but that doesn't really explain why he seems to just forget that they ever existed only moments later.

However, we cannot pin the Villain button on Charlie alone. The Parents are to blame as well! In all versions of the story, the progenitors of the ill-behaved hellspawn show understandable distress in the face of their children getting sucked into pipes, turned into fruit, minimized and tossed into the garbage. But they don't do very much to save their children from their respective fates. Mr.  and Mrs. Beauregarde don't Heimlich the gum out of Violet's mouth. Mr. Salt doesn't brave a roomful of squirrels to save his precious little girl until it's too late. Mr and Mrs. TeeVee don't push Mike out of the way of the shrinking beam. And even Augustus' mother doesn't jump into the river after him when he falls in. While I understand that if any of them had acted this way, the lessons would never have been learned, one must wonder exactly why parental instinct never took over in time. It could be that the parents subconsciously wanted to see their children punished in ways they themselves could not bear to inflict. If this was the case, Wonka was clearly happy to oblige!

But Weader, I hear you say, why aren't you labelling Wonka a villain? He's the one who clearly orchestrated the entire thing! He's the one with some unexplained Godlike knowledge of every child's greatest weakness that he could use to teach them not to be such self-centered little brats. Why isn't HE technically a villain?

Well....because he's Willy Wonka! He is purposefully enigmatic, twisted and strange. He is a sort of trickster character who exists to enchant people with his whimsy and generosity, but cross him and you will soon learn that you do not fuck with the candy man. In book canon, it is never explained where he learned all the tricks of his trade. Perhaps he himself is not entirely human, but instead hatched out of a giant chocolate egg one Easter. We'll never know (and no, I don't buy Tim Burton's version of backstory in which Wonka was the smothered child of a strict dentist who rebelled by becoming obsessed with candy.) In any case, Wonka dispenses poetic justice as he sees fit. And really, all he has to do is place the right temptation in someone's way and watch what happens. He could be either a Neutral Good or a Neutral Evil character. He doesn't inflict anything--in the case of the four bad children, he actively warns them to stop what they are doing. They don't listen, and thus they suffer the consequences...which Wonka takes great delight in.

Finally, Wonka rewards Charlie Bucket for being the one "good" child to obey all his rules during the tour (in the first movie, Charlie actively resists the temptation to betray Wonka by returning his Everlasting Gobstopper to him.) Although Book!Charlie was never actually tempted to disobey Wonka, in this case his inherent goodness (and the process of elimination) secured him the ultimate prize of not only winning a lifetime supply of chocolate, but becoming Wonka's official heir to the factory.

Or maybe Charlie's sociopathic tendency to watch in silence as his competition was stripped away impressed Wonka, and that's why he decided to dub him the grand prize winner. In which case, there might be more to Wonka's dark side than I am willing to admit. Again, it could be interpreted either way.

What do you think?

Flashback Friday: "The Witch of Blackbird Pond"

I give you a loving send-up of "The Witch of Blackbird Pond" by Elizabeth George Speare. This was one of my favorite books and still is, but I felt like summarizing it in Sarah Rees Brennan Parody form just for funsies. Spoilers!


KIT "SUPER NAIVE" TYLER: What up, Connecticut Colony? Just off the boat from Barbados, it's Katherine Tyler in da HOUSE! Hi, Auntie Never-Met-You-Before!

AUNT RACHEL: Ermagawd, Kit! So great to have you crash with us for...how long?

KIT: Well, see, I kinda had to sell all my dead grandfather's worldly possessions to pay off his debts, and the only thing I salvaged was my entire wardrobe of awesome clothes, aaaaand I kinda need to stay with you for the foreseeable future. But it's fine, I'll crash on the couch and you won't even know I'm here!

UNCLE "BUZZKILL" MATTHEW: Fine, you can stay, but we are Puritans and do not hold with anything FRIVOLOUS.

KIT: Psh, whatever.

JUDITH: Hi, I'm your really hot cousin.

KIT: DAMN YOU FINE. Have an awesome dress!

MERCY: I am a saintly invalid.

KIT: Eh, that merits a pity shawl.

UNCLE "OH HELL NO" MATTHEW: NO ONE IN MY FAMILY SHALL WEAR UNGODLY SWAG, HEATHEN GIRL.

KIT: I can see we're all going to get along just fine.

                                                          ***

MERCY:  I teach school. Wanna teach with me?

KIT: You mean, as opposed to carding wool, spinning, learning to cook and being a constant source of frustration to you all? Sign me up!

MERCY: Great! Just whatever you do, don't start an impromptu drama class.

KIT: Who wants to act out the story of the Good Samaritan, kids?

MERCY: No, please don't--

KIT: Children, no method acting! Stop beating each other up!

DISAPPROVING ELDERS: This will never do! You're fired and your cousin might be the next to go!

KIT: WHY MUST I FAIL AT EVERYTHING?!

HANNAH "WISE WOMAN OF THE SWAMP" TUPPER: Hello, weepy girl. Can I be of ancient sage-y assistance to you?

KIT: Sure! I have no reason not to trust you, except everyone says you're a witch, but what's a little prejudice between two misfits?

HANNAH: Snacks make everything better.

KIT: Your super-snack has given me the strength to confront my problems! Tatty-bye, old woman, I have justice to restore!

MERCY: You got your job back?! How did you find the courage?

KIT: Easy. I accepted food from the social outcast everyone is suspicious of and it made me feel like conquering the world!

AUNT RACHEL: You probably shouldn't do that again. Hannah's persona non grata around here because she's Not Like Us.

KIT: Your prejudice surprises me! She's just a harmless old woman!

RACHEL: We're Puritans, kid, we're suspicious of anyone who doesn't believe as we do and may or may not practice witchcraft.

KIT: Psh. Whatever.
                                                         ***

WILLIAM "THE HOUSE THAT LOVE BUILT" ASHBY: I like you, Kit. Want to marry me? I'll build you a big house.

KIT: Uh, can't we just be friends first?

WILLIAM: Oh, no, this is serious. I don't erect timber frames for every girl I see.

KIT: Wait a second--marrying you would mean a chance to leave my uncle's home and be a rich woman again. Maybe I can be swayed after all!
                                                                    ***

PRUDENCE "WIDE-EYED WAIF" CRUFF: I think you're cool, Kit. Can you teach me to read?

KIT: Of course, poor neglected child! What say we meet at Hannah Tupper's for our lessons?

PRUDENCE: She's a witch!

KIT: Uh, NO, she's a kindly surrogate grandmother. Trust me!

HANNAH: Have some cake and kittens!

PRUDENCE: Sold.

NAT "COME SAIL AWAY" EATON: So, Kit, how are you liking Puritan Land?

KIT: It's crushing my rebellious spirit more every day, except...

NAT:  Yeah?

KIT: Well, there's this rich guy who's building me a mansion if I marry him, and even though I don't exactly feel the same, I think we could make it work.

NAT: I ain't sayin' she's a gold-digger....

KIT: Hey, I do NOT need you judging me! You've never been stripped of all wealth and status and met a hot guy who wants to give all that back to you, and I am totally not changing your opinion of me, am I?

NAT: Nope.

KIT: Psh. Whatever.
                                                             ***

JOHN "WHEN I THINK ABOUT YOU, I READ A BOOK" HOLBROOK: I'm a pretty decent fellow, despite my slavish devotion to my mentor.

KIT: Yeah, you're one of about six people I can tolerate around here. So, what's up?

JOHN:  I love your cousin Mercy and I want to marry her.

KIT: HUZZAH! Oh this makes me so happy--Aw, crap, I forgot that Judith is madly in love with you, too.

JOHN: No problem, I'm sure she'll underst--

JUDITH: John, you have come to propose to me! I accept!

JOHN: Uh, that's not why I'm--

MATTHEW: If my daughter wants you, I give you my blessing!

JOHN: But, but....okay!

MERCY: I am strangely fine with this!

KIT: Wow, you just failed WORSE THAN ME. ME!

WILLIAM: All this marriage talk has put me in the mood for a proposal, too--

KIT: NOT NOW.

WILLIAM: FINE. But just remember, I bought GLASS WINDOWS for you!

                                                             ***
COLONISTS: Sorry to break up the wedding plans, kids, but there's Indians to fight! We're going to war!

JUDITH: UCH, why does everything always happen to ME?!

KIT: You mean like a deadly flu, or your fiance going off to war?

JUDITH: Well, I guess being seriously ill is a BIT worse.

MERCY: You said it.

KIT: Crap crap CRAP, the town has become one big plague colony! Oh, well, there's no way they can possibly pin this on witchcraft!

TOWNSPEOPLE: Our children have sickened and died! BURN THE WITCH!

KIT: Great, now I have to rescue her!

HANNAH: Can you come back when I'm not in the throes of dementia?

KIT: NO TIME! MOVE IT! You stay here while I flag us down a boat to take you to safety!

NAT: What is it with you and impromptu night swimming?

KIT: Shut up and take this poor woman to safety!

NAT: You know, things might get worse for you after this. Want to come with us?

KIT: I can't! I have sickly relatives to attend to! But don't worry about me, I won't get blamed for the town scapegoat's escape.

TOWNSPEOPLE: BURN THE FRIVOLOUS ONE! SHE HAS CONSORTED WITH A WITCH!

KIT: I am officially tired of being wrong.

                                                   ***

KIT: Okay, I've been isolated from the rest of the community and I'll probably be found guilty of witchcraft, and that means almost certain death or branding. This is definitely my worst day yet. Well, at least I get a fair trial.

TOWNSPEOPLE: She's an evil enchantress, and she does evil dances, and if you look in her eyes, she will fill you with trances!

KIT: I am fuuuuu---

PRUDENCE: Wait! I can prove that all she did was teach me to read! And I will read from the BIBLE!

TOWNSPEOPLE:....Huh.

JUDGE: Well, that's as good a case as any that she's clearly not under any evil influence. Kit Tyler is innocent, case dismissed!

KIT: Oh thank you God! I love life! I love dreary old Wethersfield! I will never complain again!

**Three Months Later**

KIT: I HATE THIS TOWN. I HATE WINTER. EVERYTHING SUCKS. I WANNA GO HOME TO BARBADOS.

WILLIAM: By the way, I don't know if our unofficial engagement is such a good idea anymore. I mean, what with the whole 'you being falsely accused of witchcraft' ordeal.

KIT: You're right. We're not good together. I can't marry a man I don't love even if he does have lead-paned windows and hardwood floors. Sorry.

WILLIAM: It's cool. Think I can still persuade Judith to give our relationship another try?

JOHN: If my dramatic re-entrance and symbolic proclamation of love for Mercy doesn't do it, nothing will!

KIT: Yay, weddings! And springtime! Maybe it's not so bad around here after all....but still, must make preparations for going back home and becoming a teacher to earn my own way!

NAT: I've come back with an awesome boat of my very own, and that promise to take you away from all of this still stands. Whaddya say?

KIT: It's a good thing I've just realized that I want to be with YOU more than I want to go live on a tropical island, cause I accept! Let's get married!

NAT: That is kind of what I had in mind. Come sail away, come sail away with me!

                                                      END

New Snow, Same Story: "Snow in Summer" by Jane Yolen

Retelling fairy tales is a tricky business--mainly because they have already been retold so many times in so many ways. Take a look at the recent trend of "retold fairy-tale" movies: Hansel and Gretel, Red Riding Hood, and Jack the Giant Killer, just to name a few.

However, Jane Yolen's newest book Snow in Summer: Fairest of Them All ends pretty much the same way that the original version does. And therein lies the problem with all re-tellings: We already know how the story ends. Snow White will emerge from her sleep, the prince will be waiting, the seven supporting characters will rejoice, and all will be well.

Snow in Summer, so named by her flower-loving mother (spoiler: Mom dies,) is a likable but ultimately passive protagonist. She has better survival skills than her predecessor and takes an active part in the ultimate defeat of her enemy, her Wicked  Stepmother, but the song mostly remains the same all the way through: Snow in Summer (Summer to her loved ones, Snow to her stepmother) loses her mother at age seven, and her father falls into a state of permanent mourning that causes him to neglect his daughter. Her kindly Cousin Nancy looks after her, and try as she might to rouse Snow's father from his grief, she and Summer are unsuccessful. Then one day a beautiful Woman of Mystery bewitches Summer's father and he decides to marry her.

Thanks to switching narratives, we get to hear the Wicked Stepmother's story--she gave seven years of her life to a warlock she calls "the Master" in exchange for his teaching her all the magic skills he knew. She ultimately rebelled by stealing the spells he didn't want her to know and killing him. She has married Summer's father because he owns the last bit of land that needs to be sold to make way for a new railroad. The stepmother plans to make his death look accidental, inherit the land, and sell it herself.

"Stepmama" wants to make Summer her apprentice the same way she was the Master's, and attempts to subdue Summer's spirit into  obedience through emotional and physical abuse. She keeps Summer's father subdued with strong potions so he can't interfere, but Cousin Nancy notices and intervenes more than once on Summer's behalf. When the stepmother realizes that Summer shows no willingness to learn magic, nor can she be forced, the story takes a much more traditional turn as the stepmother plots Summer's death.

Props must go to Yolen for giving us a Wicked Stepmother with more depth and motivation than one-dimensional evil jealousy. She is not jealous of Snow in Summer's beauty (and of course, Snow in Summer is one of those pure, selfless souls who Doesn't Know She's Beautiful.) but rather wants her as an ally. She treats her cruelly because it was how she was taught, and she insists that she is not unkind because she knows how to kill painlessly. At her core, though, she has the same lust for power and control as any fairytale villainess.

The heroine Snow in Summer is not saintly (and doesn't sing to animals, thank God) and Yolen makes her human, giving her believable doubts, uncertainties and fears about her father's enchantment, as well as the amount of control Stepmama exerts over both their lives. She is not a worldly child, being raised in a small West Virginia town in the 1920s in a time when most girls her age got married at fourteen. She is spirited and loyal, and knows enough about the woods to survive long enough to meet the seven "dwarves," who are actually German immigrants in this re-imagining.

The end of the book feels like the weakest part. There is no romance in the story between Summer and her potential "Prince Charming." The character himself is not introduced until the last part of the story, and we know very little about him. But you can probably guess how he and Summer end up. Everything is wrapped up in a neat little ending, which I won't spoil for you, but is very predictable.

Aside from the well-trodden theme of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, the story is marvelously written. The characters are very interesting, each with their own distinct voice. The West Virginia setting is beautifully described without being overly prosaic. There is an appropriate amount of mystery and tension in the right places as well, keeping the reader intrigued even when they already know the story....which is, ultimately, how a retold story measures success.

Put Your Pants On!: "Sisterhood Everlasting" by Ann Brashares

Still not done with Diviners, so I thought I'd post something completely different.


Just so we're clear, I loved the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series. Books 1 through 4 were quite pleasing to me. But then came the (long-awaited? Somewhat anticipated? Completely out of the blue?) epilogue novel, Sisterhood Everlasting. Having a few questions I wanted answers to about the fate of the Pantsed Four, I dove right in.

 I found it to be an outright travesty of an "epilogue." The four characters I had grown so fond of and learned so much about had been altered in ways that barely made sense at all.

 Bridget went from free-spirited to manically obsessed with moving all over California ALL THE DAMN TIME, and she was all "Whoopsie-daisy, my birth control expired, but no big deal, right?" when she should have been considerably more concerned that, oh, I don't know, IT MEANT SHE WAS PROBABLY PREGNANT. Which, naturally, she was! And even though she wants to end it right away, the nurse is all "Wait and see if you change your mind!" Which she does. And after becoming a babysitter to Tibby's surprise daughter, she realizes that BABIES ARE AWESOME and of course she wants one! What kind of woman wouldn't want a child, especially a woman as clearly troubled and unstable as Bridget?!

Uch, Lena. What HAPPENED to you? Rather than being the more confident, less inhibited woman she was in Forever in Blue, she's regressed to the point of being worse than her introverted Book One self. She settles for living the most boring life possible as an antisocial art teacher who denies herself the chance of living a happy life with Kostos time and time again. They should have gotten together long before now, but  didn't, because SHE CHICKENED OUT. Seriously, she cancelled a reunion with him years back because just the anticipation of the event made her physically sick. Girl, get yourself some therapy. Please.

And so, it seems that "Get back together with Kostos" is doomed to be the repeating storyline for Lena Kaligaris. Who cares if she never becomes a famous artist? Who cares if she alienates her only sister and still can't forgive her for losing the Pants all those years ago? The most important issue is WILL SHE AND KOSTOS EVER GET TOGETHER FOR GOOD?! Because the man you met at sixteen will end up being the man you marry! Why else would Bridget and Tibby still be with their teenage boyfriends? (Carmen didn't get a boyfriend until Girls in Pants, and so this means she will never find true love. Apparently.)

Carmen has sold out and become a materially-obsessed TV star who's marrying a jerk of a guy she doesn't really love. She throws herself into planning a wedding after what happens to Tibby because it beats being sad all the time. Of course, after her new iPhone refuses to work on a train to an important audition, she ends up becoming a babysitter for a man and his two young children for the evening. And by the time they get to the station, voila! The transformation is complete, and she is "human" again. Career-making role be damned! iPhone be damned! Wedding be damned! She has been reborn as as Real Person!

Tibby, most unfortunately, drowns during a swim in Greece, but not before she and Brian have a secret love child in Australia that she DIDN'T EVEN TELL HER PARENTS ABOUT. Really, it comes as a surprise to EVERYONE that Tibby has a kid. And she's managed to write scads of  posthumous letters to each of her friends telling them what they should do with their lives, but she NEVER EXPLAINS WHY SHE KEPT HER PREGNANCY AND SUBSEQUENT LIFE-THREATENING ILLNESS A SECRET. You owed them that much information after two years! They spent MONTHS believing you'd committed SUICIDE!

Also, she bought a beautiful farm in Pennsylvania and furnished three little renovated barns on it for Carmen, Lena and Bridget. That's lovely, Tibster, but how in holy fuck did you find the time and money to do all this? And what was the plan if you had lived long enough for everyone to reunite here? Did you think they'd all just pack up their lives and move out to the Farm of the Sisterhood forever and ever? What, this is another to-remain-unsolved mystery? Fuck it. I hate this storyline.

All capital-letter-inducing rants aside, it isn't a badly written book. Ann Brashares is a talented writer who writes with genuine emotion and knows her characters inside and out. It just seems that she should have left well enough alone with these particular four.